Everything… and Nothing At All

A handful of felty-gray days pressed and pulled at the fringes of my heart giving off the sense that something was wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Not exactly. You know that feeling: the low hum of a yet undefined anxiousness blending with a slightly ominous overtone that starts to mute the true sounds of life.

When the message came delivering that bittersweet news, those fuzzy fragments came together giving final form to the feeling.  Strangely, I was relieved because now there was a place to put it all….a place to go and sort from. It was news that explained everything and at the same time…  nothing at all.

Everything and Nothing at All

There is an appropriate response for situations like this which is somehow altogether inappropriate now. I know what I should feel except… I don’t.  Instead, instinct cautions me to stand back detached and observant as it all plays out many miles away in Louisiana. It’s not really my place to do more than this: acknowledge the life of the man who, at least biologically, was my father.

For whatever Ransol James Hebert could have been to me in the span of his 77 years, the fact remains— he largely was not.  Reading back over that last sentence, I realize it sounds a little bitter but no…it’s just a fact and one I happen to have in common with three other souls here on earth. It seems strange to share nothing but a bit of DNA and hazy memories with 3 complete strangers but this is our truth: our common thread was a man who was able to become the father of each of us while remaining a daddy to none. We are simply the “milestones” or deposits  left over the course of his tumultuous lifetime and one by one, we’ve come to realize— that’s OK.

It’s difficult to say when, but at some point, I stopped needing answers.  Ransol James Hebert was simply one half of an equation that never really balanced out as long as I was the one trying to do the figuring. The death of my mother 13 years ago assured that I was going to have to live with the remaining mysteries.  So I have.

I had no idea he existed until I was a 10-year-old trapped in the midst of a bitter divorce and custody battle between my mother and (then assumed) father. The news broke over me and lay crumpled at my feet along with many other shattered expectations. It may sound melodramatic but I was the only kid I knew at the time with divorced parents and then to suddenly find out that one of them wasn’t even real…well, it was a bomb.  That was almost 38 years ago and l today I gladly testify that God heals the broken hearts of 10-year-olds needing a Daddy.

Navy Ransol 1956

They met in Florida. He was a Navy man and she was running from her Indiana past and trying to make a life as far different from the one she’d known as possible. This crazy cajun from “down da bayou” was absolutely different.  “Charisma” was the word to describe him— you couldn’t help but like Ransol. His presence filled the room in a bigger-than-life fashion compounded by the fact that he was always bigger in his own mind. Harmless really— Ransol was a booming bear of a man with a heart fully gilded in 14-karat fools gold.

Baby Lorrie

I entered the picture in 1968.  With a wife and two children back home, let’s just agree– things were  complicated. That never changed . I think he met me a month or two after I was born. I have this picture and her story of how he snatched me from her arms and marched me up and down the deck showing me off to everyone he knew.

After that the story gets hole-pocked and hollow.
Mental illness?
A  changed man.
A “jumped ship” in a North Korean bay.
A.W.O.L and a discharge?

Any more…for certain…. I do not know. My mother would never tell me more.

Me and Ransol

I spent a brief 6 or so months with him during the summer of my 14th year. Quite possibly, I lived more life in those few months than in all the years before.

I met “my people”.
I got on a boat for the first time and trawled for shrimp and crab.
I tasted crawfish, gumbo and jambalaya.
I learned to make a roux.

But by that time I’d already developed a few problems of my own and had my hand on the brush, ready to color the world with a few shades of my own rebellion. All I can say is that God’s hand was bigger than mine and He pushed it away.   I’m so thankful.

That’s mostly all the history there is between me and Ransol James Hebert, aged 77, who departed this earth on May 10, 2016.  As I’ve had the chance to talk to family before and since, there’s this sense of resolution being passed around like a common cup. It is what it is… honestly what it always was no matter which scenario we’re talking about. He was consistent.

Sadly, there’s only a mild, dull ache for this loss here and now simply because it’s an ache  each of us spent a lifetime knowing. We made our peace with it— some of us, at the foot of the cross. In testimony to the healing and resurrection power of God and in spite of the brokenness out of which we were born, grace has allowed us to chose the path of healing and wholeness.   We are OK.

Surely, there is grief.

For my part, I suppose I grieve the loss of so much potential. I can’t grieve a father but I can grieve the void between us that was never overcome and the resulting distance that was necessary. Although, for every moment of grief there is an equal and overflowing amount of grace. Four complete strangers have now stepped into the circle of family.

Let go and Forgive

For whatever Ransol James Hebert was not able to be for each of us over the course of his 77-year life, we can now choose to be for one another in the ways God allows.  That’s grace. Grace enough to keep walking forward in spite of our own fears and failings and now…grace enough to drape loosely over the tragically misspent life of Ransol James Hebert.  Rest in peace.

Able to dance,Lorretta signature

 

9 thoughts on “Everything… and Nothing At All

  1. I’ve never heard closure so eloquently said. You and I have similar feelings about our dads. The sick twist about mine is that he was always physically present but just never really there. We both share growing up with an absent dad. Those wounds run deep. But the wounds of our Savior also cut deep into Him. And by those wounds we have been healed. Thank you for making an art out of words.

  2. Loretta, through the search for what your earthly father could not give, you found the eternal Father who does and you share that presence in a wonderful way. I am blessed that David brought you into our family. Love you.

  3. Thank you my dear and HUGS from across the oceans… As i read your heart-pouring out Grace and the whole miasma of emotions from our grounds of brokenness; i just kept thinking: not exactly the same, but yes, this.. and i thought too of the millions, and the numbers will mount – as the family unit continues to crumble. Thankfully, there it is – the future generations. We can under the long shadow of the Cross, go about it differently…Mercy and grace God.

    1. Jenni… yes. I sincerely wish only to keep the Light at the front so that it can dispel the darkness for future generations– in my family and for those who are now struggling to reconcile in the midst of the generational sin passed on through their family lines. We lose nothing by being honest. Bless you!

  4. I love your realness. God has given you the gift of weaving words into a tapestry of “ash-washed” beauty. Isaiah 61:3 Thank you for sharing it. I get it. It truly helps others. Relationships are dirty and hard and family even harder. I praise Our Great Healing Father along with you. Jehovah Shammah – He is already there, The God of our tomorrow. Love you!

    1. Thank you Shannon. I resolved a long time ago to just keep it as real as possible so that through my obedience, God could be glorified. It’s just what it means to be crucified with Christ and then, as you mention in the Isaiah verse, being raised up and washed all beautiful by Him. Motive is especially important though…and God knows our hearts when we “go there”. I appreciate the ways you are learning to be real as well. Thanks for the encouragement, it’s so much needed. <3

  5. Now another level of healing begins. I spent years grieving over what could have been but never was. It was only after, that I was able to put the pieces back in the box and resigned myself to the fact that the puzzle would never be a complete picture this side of heaven. God is the Good Healer and He brings comfort where there is only that dull ache.

    1. Nancy, one of the things I’ve always appreciated about you is your ability to hone in to the core issue of any given situation. In this case, you can clearly see that I’m clinging to forgiveness and grace and healing… these things which were present in my life before he died and I pray will remain “My Story and My Song” long after… so that the next generations can be found humming the same tune. Bless you Sister.

Welcome to the discussion!