Category Archives: lamp oil

let it go

 

 

So… I’m a leeeetle beeet overwhelmed these days. So much to think about and plan for and as much as I strive to “empty” my days of unnecessary activities…something extra always sneaks in.

 

What I’ve been thinking about most lately is much like a good line in a bad song about thanking God for unanswered prayers because most of my life is wrapped up in lines like those.

 

Once upon a time, there were a lot of things I wished for and thought I wanted. There were a lot of things I fought for and thought I deserved……NOW.

 

In my impatience, I may have given the devil some opportunities. I’m thankful for the patience of God, who waited for me to get over myself.

 

So much has changed.

God's Wild Love                                                                  ****************************

“Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,
and give no opportunity to the devil.
Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need.
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you,
along with all malice.
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Ephesians 4:25-32
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I’ve spent the last few years “putting off” old nature stuff and “putting away” behaviors unbecoming a woman of Christ, “putting on” instead His garments of praise.

  • Seeking to speak the Truth with my neighbor and have that privilege, not because I’m “super sanctimonious”, but because I’m living the Truth honestly before them.
  • I want to be angry about the injustice, but not gossip and sin in my anger.
  • I want to do honest work for honest pay and share generously from all  I am & have.
  • I want to build up and give grace, not tear down.       At all.

It’s hard.
I fail often.
Daily.

Not in big major ways.. it’s in the sickly-small and daily-choice ways that I tend to compromise myself in these areas. Times when I have to have the last word or express my “opinion”. Times when my own woundedness wants to wound another. 

Times when pride has it’s way with me. Ugh. Nasty pride.

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I know God cares.

I know when I stumble and fall just shy of the threshold of His glory, He’s near and waiting at the door for me to step inside. That door is LET.

It’s where I must choose to….. let it go. Let go of MY wishes and wants and fearful, striving ways of doing things and trust God to guide me through to His.

LET is a powerful and power-filled response to God’s divine ability to clean up my unholy messes–and to help keep me from making more.

Let = Trust

In this letting, I’m better able to keep from becoming bitter and full of malice when things don’t go my way.  Anger, slander and wrath are not going to be a part of my mode of operation  because I’m content to let God make it right in HIS TIME and show me the way.

And as Henri Nouwen reminds me, it’s a wondrous way that often does not look like anything I dared to imagine….no, it’s really…truly… better.

Letting go,Lorretta signature

                                                                                            Linking with the fabulous Lisha

NEWSFLASH!  My next post will be telling you more about this big, huge God-project that’s sending us to Africa in (yikes!) SEVEN WEEKS! I’ve got to wrap my brain around a presentation for Tuesday night first. I am so thankful to all of you who have been praying as we prepare for this “better” thing God has for us to do.

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lamp oil, my testimony unfolding, , ,

miss understood

We’re friends,  right?

Obviously, there’s a necessary “liberty” we accept with online friendships  because, after all, there are limits to what we can do and experience fully together. Even so, in the last few years, I’ve seen we have much in common.

So, I  wanna share one of my biggest personal struggles. I know, it’s a crazy risk.

As a public writer, there’s a certain level of insanity and self-death  that must accompany this willingness to put it all “out there” for God’s glory.  Granting access through the windows of the soul  this way invites a certain level of inspection from the reading and watching world outside.

It’s downright scary.

So scary, I almost talk myself out of it. Or argue with God– as if doing or being less accomplishes His will anyway.

You know that  vicious inner dialogue urging caution one moment and wild abandon the next?  Tempting us to believe (or imagine) a seemingly safer path? Yah.  Except, “safety”, as it’s often understood, is mostly an illusion masking the ultimate danger:

a life not fully-lived.

If the enemy can get me to believe that self-preservation is the safest way to go, I risk missing out on God’s Great Adventure inviting me to spend my mortal life– not hoard who I am and what I could offer. 

These are risks worth taking.

Miss Understood

It’s not easy you know. Because that inner dialogue… never.  shuts. up.

There’s  that cartoon thing going on where little “angel” me on one shoulder is cheering me through the madness and little “devil” me on the other side whispers, “Sit this one out. Save face. Don’t rock the boat”.

UGH. I hate that guy.

Then, when I think I’ve made it home-free: ouch!  A thorn has hitched a ride on the cuff of my bluejeans, irritating me just enough to spark that inner riot.   GAH!!!

Did I say too much?
Too little?
Maybe I should’ve said nothing at all.
Oh WHY can’t I keep my blessed mouth shut!?

Suddenly, that people-pleasing habit rises to the surface as I  fall victim to the Number One lie of all time:

“Did God really say……?”

Usually, it ‘s right after I’ve taken that BIG step into new boldness and authenticity risking my perceived reputation. Then…I read or hear something from someone I truly admire and my heart sinks into the pit of my stomach.  Suddenly,

I’m twisted up over a tweet.
Sunk by a status update.
Bludgeoned by a blog.

Because, you know there’s a hidden agenda and it’s a message about me, right?
Yuck??!?

Agonizing over what-ifs,  I begin imaginary conversations ready to engage “damage control” because clearly…I’ve been… (dom dom, dommmmmmmmm) …. misunderstood.

me miss understood

And there it is; my biggest demon, the fear of being misunderstood.

This one stinkin’ fear has caused more trouble in my lifetime.
It’s watered down my witness.
It’s taken my testimony into dark places way too often.

I despise it.

In Luke 10: 1-16, Jesus warns there’s potential to be misunderstood in our walk and witness. James 3:1-2 counsels not many of us should become “teachers” (of His word, etc) because we’re judged with greater strictness… inspection from God, self and others.  So as I teach or proclaim the Gospel as my witness… I’m welcoming this inspection.

Annnnd, let’s face it,  shall we? Not everyone is going to “like”, “retweet” or “share” what might be said or taught.

Annnnnd WOE is me if I forget I’m subject to the same Word.
God forbid if I don’t allow the Spirit to work inside my own heart FIRST. That’s a freakin’ mess…trust me.

The remedy?  Grace.
ABUNDANT grace received and applied liberally all around.
Grace is the path of deliverance.

Sadly,  (pridefully) I’m sometimes more willing to extend grace than to receive it. But it’s getting better and I’m learning.  Leaning into the fullness of my calling and the fullness of this grace while fighting back the fear of misunderstanding or being misunderstood is just about the bravest way to live of all.

I’ve experienced it a few times recently and it’s such a tremendous gift when someone neutralizes the potential for misunderstanding by coming in private because they WANT to understand and to be understood.

Far more preferable and spiritually mature than lobbing word bombs through the various “public” sites as onlookers jeer “Fight! Fight!” from the sidelines.

Annnnnnd, I’ve been dead wrong too.

Sometimes, I didn’t see it coming. Then sometimes…I’d  “accidentally-on-purpose” start a “fire” and in my haste to stomp it out and cover myself,  I only scatter embers and ignite several more fires instead .   Yeah. Times when all I had to do was “own it” but didn’t. #truestory

Accountability is key.
Gossip is not.

Voicing our fears and frustrations to someone can help sort past the emotions and help decide if there’s something we’ve missed and where more grace may be required. Or they simply reassure us that it’s all good.

Someone wise enough to recognize  there are times when our Spirits are being “checked”  as a reminder of  what it’s all about and to not only to keep others off the “pedestal”, but to stay off it ourselves.  Amen?

Gradually, accountability and  a practice of self-inspection before God has helped me choose– sometimes painfully,  to see others with the eyes of grace.  I don’t have to live in constant fear of being misunderstood, although sometimes I will be.

That’s ok.

Unfinishedness

Because Scripture says right now, no matter how close I come to understanding myself or others, it’s always going to be a few shades off from crystal clear. We simply see and understand imperfectly now. 

I can live with that.
Honestly?  So much grace has been given to me that I ought to have  plenty to share with others….and also with the girl in the mirror. Sometimes I’m really rough on that chick.

What about you?  We’re friends, right?
What trips you up and causes you to fall into the arms of Grace?  I’d love to know.

Working on simply being understood by HimLorretta signature

lamp oil, ,

the view from my broken marriage

It’s Holy Week.

A week of remembering the moments surrounding the single-most important person and event in all of human history:   Jesus.  

Life. Death. Burial. Resurrection.

A week to remember the everything before and after and to rejoice that we can now live from the center of  “It is finished!”

the view from my broken marriage

Yesterday, my youngest and I occupied a pew in the little Episcopal church here in town for the first of five services our community will host this week. Today we’ll be at the Methodist church. It’s one of the many things I’ve come to love about this small country town. One week out of the year we gather in one another’s churches before God, united in the Spirit to worship our Lord and Savior; Jesus. How beautiful is the body of Christ.

 In the brief moments before the service began, I recalled this time from years before and was filled with so much peace and joy for the life in Christ I have today. Because I was remembering how just a few short years ago, I sat in a pew alone, sin sick and heart damaged by so much pain and confusion.

 Everything I thought I knew about all I thought I could depend on was falling apart and crumbling beneath my feet. I was lost amidst my own shattered illusions of what it means to be a minister of the Gospel, a woman, a wife, mother, sister and friend.

I’d come face to face with my own empty definitions, which somehow had become detached or maybe had never been truly attached to their meaning in Christ. I was a lost sheep in crisis and didn’t know if I’d ever find my way back home.

I didn’t know where home could be found and mine……… was falling apart.
Two decades of denial had taken their toll and I could no longer hold back my overwhelming dissatisfaction with the temple prostitute I had become. Angry. Fearful. Frustrated. People pleaser. Need meeter.

 Years of inattention to details, false starts and unkept promises on both sides of my marriage added more and more kindling to the pile of dead wood smoldering  inside of me and before I knew it,

this girl was about to self-combust and burn herself to the ground.

 Of course, the enemy wasted no time… slipping in the well-placed attentions of others under the guise of tending to my neglected intellectual, emotional and spiritual needs. Needs I’d forgotten I had; deeper places and pieces of me I’d set aside early in my marriage thinking I’d get to them later…things all too soon forgotten until I couldn’t forget any more. The 2 Timothy “weak-willed woman”?      That was me.

I was ripe for the picking and I had no clue.

My marriage was in shambles.

Can I just say that? Yes we are both sold out followers of Christ and yes, our marriage was in trouble.

 Honestly, we were both doing the best we could with what little we understood all those years . We’d both come from homes decimated by sin and divorce. Simply staying together would have been enough to do it better than our parents had before. But that wasn’t enough and we knew it. We loved each other and we needed help. But how?

 You know I’ve written an awful lot about mentoring and accountability. It’s because God has used these relationships to change my life and marriage.

God has used other men to minister to my husband helping him to stand firm and walk the walk and other women have counseled me and loved me back from the brink of disaster. It’s scriptural (see James 5:13-20) and it’s necessary.        Do it. 

God's real help******************************

Divorce was not an option but marriage the way we’d been doing it for 20 years wasn’t either. 

We loved God. We loved each other.

However, my husband didn’t know how or where to lead,  I didn’t know who or how to follow and after 20 years, we were getting nowhere fast. The fight was on. We fought like we’d never fought before.  Something had to change; through the prayers of others and constant humbling,  something did:

We got broken.
More broken than our marriage.

Somewhere in the middle of all the battles we stopped fighting…. each other and started to realize we were actually fighting for something far greater, and it was really worth the fight. We also realized we weren’t fighting alone. So we kept fighting for it and kept talking and listening even when it hurt.

I had to find the courage introduce my husband to the woman he actually married (once I found her again myself)  and he had to find the courage to accept and encourage me here.

I had to learn how to communicate my needs respectfully and to encourage and spur him on to greatness in Christ –trusting God to do the work in His life, and he had to learn how to listen CARE-FULLY and not finish my sentences. Ha!

He’s learning how to lead…and where; through and to Christ.
I’m learning how to follow in all the same ways.
We’re both learning to trust and share the load of leading and following under God’s direction.

We hope we get to grow old together with the emphasis on the GROW in the midst of the old.

We are partners.
We are friends.
We are warriors.

Marriage as Co-creation************************** 

It’s Holy week; the time when we remember the life, death and resurrection of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ who is so very real, active and alive in the world today;

I know.

 Because this is the very real life, death and resurrection story He’s made of my broken marriage.  It’s still broken but we’ve decided to keep it that way.

 Because God is teaching us both to do whatever it takes to stay broken ourselves before the Lord and this marriage…this broken marriage… is our testimony and offering to Him; broken and made whole again by God

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Dear reader,  I don’t know where you are today but if you are anywhere near where I once was, I want to offer you this testimony of hope; healing IS possible.

Maybe you or someone you know is struggling in this place today or from where you stand, disaster is on the horizon.

Fight!

Remember! It is FINISHED! Jesus is risen for you and for your marriage today.

And know this: you do not fight alone. I’d love to pray for you and hear your heart.

Broken and Mended,Lorretta signature

 

lamp oil, marriage to my best friend, my testimony unfolding, , , , , , ,