truth or dare

truth or dare

It’s been awhile since I set foot on Five Minute Friday ground. It’s a wonderful exercise where Lisa-Jo Baker gives the word of the week and we write from our guts for 5-minutes flat. Here’s my “guts” on the word “TRUTH”

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I’ve played this game before..maybe we all have to some extent.

But there’s always one person you know you NEVER want to play with because you know…they don’t play fair. They’re the one who always wants to go last. They’re the one who insists that you bare your ahem,  “soul “all over the place and then they leave the room when it’s their turn.

 So, I’m battle scarred and war weary. Yeah, that’s me. Once bitten and twice shy because I can’t hide it anymore. I can’t be what I’m not even when others don’t understand the heat and intensity going on inside of me. 

 

That sounds weird. But there it is…my TRUTH. 

 

I feel every. stinkin. thing. And I can’t NOT feel because now God has opened this Pandora’s box inside of me and it lets the emotions and love and feelings of others mingle with mine..and I get that feeling of truly what Jesus must have felt like looking out over Jerusalem and mourning how He would just love to gather them unto Himself. I get that. I actually care…a lot…maybe too much…and it hurts.

 

My heart is swelled up with feelings and a vat of tears that I’m scared-to-freakin death over. I’m terrified. Because

 

My sister is dying and I don’t know if I’ll get to say goodbye before it’s too late. My son is struggling at college and it’s hard for this homeschool mama to watch her little bird try to fly and hit the ground. I am changing. God has called me into this big, wide open for real writing place where, there’s no place left to hide place and I fear…I’m not ready

 

The feelings…I’m afraid of them. I’m afraid of the pain I will feel once my sister dies. Twice now, I’ve awakened in the night..heart thumping in my chest and sweating….I’m so afraid to face this…again. How will I do it?

 

So here is my five minutes of unpolished unedited, unholy TRUTH. I fear hitting publish because…I’ve never run into the middle of a room this naked before. I just hope there’s someone out here getting naked too. Or at least…someone who loves me enough to run and get me a bathrobe.

5minutefriday

19 thoughts on “truth or dare

  1. Kudos to you for baring your soul like that. I reckon we all don’t feel ready for the big things and many of the small things, too. I am so sorry to hear about your sister and I do hope that you will have that chance to talk to her. I read a great book about fifteen years ago called “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway” by Susan Jeffers. I’ll never forget how profoundly that changed my perspective. We are all on our own journey and it’s difficult to watch those we love struggle. I hope you find peace in your challenges.

    1. I am indeed finding it moment by moment Tam…it’s a good feeling too. The best part of this “getting naked” exercise is how others are coming into the circle too. Not because we want to feed off of the misery.. but because we want to feast upon the Word and feed one another with the encouragements. 1 Corinthian 13 style. I am so glad you stopped by. Bless you!

  2. I’m so sorry for all that you’re going through. I am so sorry for the pain you must feel seeing your sister and grieving before the grieving has even begun. I am so sorry for the tearing of new ways and a son no longer within your mamas grasp. I pray you find a place to pour them all out at His feet and find yourself comforted. Thanks for sharing your true with me. I’m honored.

    1. Truly Alia, it’s just good to get it out of my head where can see it. I am pouring and feeling comforted moment by moment. The perplexing comes from the constancy of it all; there’s no “it is finished” here on earth…that awaits us in Heaven with the One who finished it all. Meanwhile we keep walking. I count myself blessed to have an Alia in my life for pieces of the journey. Hope you feel better and are blessed too.

  3. Beautiful, brave, soul… I do apologize for such tardiness — a tardiness to know the passion and light that is emanating through you from your FAITH.
    Indeed FAITH… As you are a spiritual being having human experiences; surely feeling afraid of what is ahead IS A GIFT to accept and try to wrap your head around… in due time. LOVE all ups and downs through His/your chosen journey — I could give you a bathrobe, but I am inspired to get NAKED! You will gain all that is needed to GIVE, forgive, and not to GIVE UP. Bueno Undo – I apologize for not visiting sooner, but am blessed to have read this. I’ll give you the biggest hug -Thank you and you will not crumble… FEEL IT ALL!

    1. Wow Q… I’m so glad you stopped by and I’m a firm believer in that God brought you here now, on purpose. You needed to see the “messy” me…and trust me, it has gotten messier. I’ll take that hug when we see each other again! 🙂 There is a quiet strength weaving itself throughout my life and God has been the Master Weaver. I know this and I am not afraid of that much. Bless your ever-lovin heart.

  4. I feel with you. “Once bitten, twice shy” … And, like you, I am sure we have been “bitten” way more than once. I thank you for the risky writing — transparent, bold and brave you put yourself out there. God meets us in these places and gives us much more than a bathrobe. He is our covering and He calls us beloved and safe in Him. Keep feeling. Life is meant to be felt in full. You wouldn’t want it any other way — even with the hideous pain that invariably goes with feeling much. I am a homeschool mom and I haven’t sent any out of the nest yet, but know it will feel so personal as I do and difficult to let them have their ups and downs without somehow feeling those are MY ups and downs as well. Thank you for your gift of writing. You blessed more than me, I am sure.

    1. Ah Patty. You are a treasure to me as well. You said my heart’s cry there about feeling as if the ups and downs are my own. It’s difficult to teach some things but I do certainly trust in God alone. He is my strength and my song…and yours as well. I see it in you eyes. Bless you.

  5. Loretta,
    you are amazing …thank you for writing so truthfully in five minutes…I am so sorry to hear about your sister…praying God comforts you, and I’m sending you a hug…hope you can feel it…

  6. I’m here from FMF… My sister died 8 years ago… She was sick for a long time… my experience was that it was not how I thought it would be… I’m so sorry for the loss you are in the midst of… I pray you are able to say good bye…

  7. Lorretta, I so appreciate this, the gift of rawness, of not hiding–and your vulnerability in saying how difficult this all is. And it is powerful, and ushers in freedom. But, yes, it is so hard to stay wide open and continue to feel–the burden of this gift that He carries too, the gift He will help you bear. I am so sorry about your sister. I pray HIs comfort right now, His protection over you and His blessing as you go ahead, trusting Him, staying open, despite the cost.

    1. Cathartic. This has been a load to bear and you know it gets all jumbled up inside my head and heart. And I’m grateful for sisters like you who reach in and out and make raw offerings of your own. Bless you Jennifer. I’m so glad you stopped by.

  8. Here’s a bathrobe! (Ok, you’ll have to imagine it). The truth is, we’re all afraid. We all feel naked (especially when we’re launching FMF posts….). I’m stopping right now and praying for you, for your sister and for your son (that’s the kind of cyber bathrobe that can really cover us up :).

  9. Your boy – he will find his feet. The transition to college is tough – I know, I taught there – and my oldest boy, he struggled for the first year until he found his feet – but he made it through with God still inside, got a job, got married and now is in charge of matching his own socks.

    Praying for your sister – praying for God’s grace in it all.

    When we’re not in control, we want to fear – it’s a battle, isn’t it – to squash the fear and find God in it. I think you are very brave – true statement!

    1. You know, when I sent my daughter off..she was so self-assured and confident. This experience with the boy has been different in every way. Thank you for your encouragement and well..ALL OF THIS. To be heard…to be seen and to be loved by God through sisters who care and know the burden of the call. This is precious.

Welcome to the discussion!